Where are you little star?
Somewhere hiding between the clouds.
I miss my little star
I miss my little heart
A dream upon a dream
Never fully realized to me
But you shine so brightly out in the dark blue
You sparkle and make my heart full
Yet, broken
My little star, my little star
Shin  brightly
So I may find you
One day.

So one week ago we took a long ride to the er. We were so happy thinking that we would be beginning the journey of expanding our family of three into four. But it just wasn't to be. It's been a difficult week, and I feel alone and sad. My husband has been wonderful, but he is going through this also. I just wonder if I can be happy again. I am hopeful. I feel horrible bringing everyone down, but I can't help it. I'm just mad and angry and just plain tired.
I am really trying to be good and move forward. But I am so mad, mad mad. I have to be happy for my child and I feel guilty being sad around him, because he deserves a happy home. I don't know why. Miscarriage sucks. And that's all I've got to say about it. Thbbbbbbbbb.

Late a night
All I hear is the refrigerator clicking
And I'm wondering why I am
Still awake.
Why
So maybe I should give up
And go to sleep
But procrastination can be so much more fun
This is the story of my life
And I really enjoy taking my time
But then again
I do like to sleep
Yup
Masterpiece
Boom

We are going hunting
Hunting for an adventure
Whatever we may find
We will thoroughly love
Where we may go
We do not know
Because on an adventure
One has to be open
To whatever may come your way

The dreamers dream
And the actors weave stories
What happens to the realists?
Do their dreams and stories die?
Let us believe in the darkness
That there will be more to us
Than what the daily grind can offer
Let us find our way to see
That there is more than meets the eye
When will courage find my back?
I do not know
But I shall find something
To keep me standing tall
Let me find a voice and a passion
To plant flowers amount the fields
What can I do
But keep trying
To find my dreams
And have stories to tell
Have a life worth lived
And joy in my soul.

Wow, it's been something of a whirlwind. Shortly after the last post we found out we were pregnant with our first child. The past two years have just been an amazing journey. I know that we all say this and such as New parents, but oh well. I can say it too, right? Ok, maybe not.
Our son is now nearly 17months old and is in love with Christmas lights. The joy on his face just by turning on a switch. It reminds me that we should take a moment to remember the small things are sometimes the best things in life. I'm worrying about whether we have bought enough presents for Jonah. Then I have to stop myself and think, really can I even remember the presents from my childhood. The answer is easily, no. I remember the Christmas lights, my mom baking, reading the Christmas story in the bible, Grandpa putting out cookies for Santa.
I want him to remember that Christmas is more glorious than grand--as they say in Magoo's Xmas. I want him to remember the joy.
As a worrywort I'm not sure I can fill the shoes and give my child the life I could dream up. But I hope to bestow some happy memories.

dreaming the night away

I dreamt all night and it was quite a strange one last night. The first part that I remember was walking out of this cave on a mountain top. Everyone else was inside, yet I wanted to leave and try to get down the mountain. It wasn't as if I was trying to leave them or escape. It was just that I wanted to get down the mountain. The view was magnificent, late afternoon, the sky an hour or two before dusk, where it is that golden hue. The light shone on the land so beautifully over the rolling land away from the mountain. Maybe that was what I wanted, I don't know since usually rationality is not part of a dream.
This mountain was very steep and you needed to scale down it; so I started to scale down. As I got about 10 feet down from the enterance of the cave all the ledges that I could reach for were flooded with water. I became a little afraid that I would slip and fall to my death. I looked up and my Dad was there asking what I was doing? I said that I would be coming back up, I couldn't get any further because of the water. And then I rejoined the group.
Night fell and we all decided to leave the mountain. However again about ten feet down it was all slippery and wet. And since night had fell it began to get very cold. Ice and snow started to accumulate. For some reason we knew that there would be a ski-lift that would bring us back down the mountain.
We waited there in the cold and finally after what seemed like 15 minutes it came and only half of the large group of us could get on. All the girls got on and the boys would wait for it to come back. It seemed like forever going down the hill on the shaky lift. It was so dark out side and all that you could see was deep blues, greens and purples. We reached the bottom of the hill and there was a doorway and then a path that led to waterside. I was waiting for a person in my dream that I guess was a representation of my husband, yet it was no one I had ever seen before. All the guys came sliding down the mountain on sleds saying that they couldn't wait anymore because the lift had stopped or decided to pick up another group. And the weather kept getting colder. The man I loved started walking toward the path. And I ran barefoot in the snow after him. Everyone else was asking why I was going that way when we needed to go the other way. I ignored them and kept running through the ice barefoot and I lost him. My feet were in the icy water's edge.
Then I woke up.